How to Eliminate Turn-Offs in Your Profile
Are you tired of getting no replies to your dating profile? Zip, zero, nada?
Maybe you rewrite your profile every week, but you still don’t get messages.
It’s enough to make you consider deleting your profile and resigning yourself to the single life. But before you do that, you might want to check that you’re not making a very common mistake on your profile.
I see this mistake in almost every profile I look at. It’s just sad to think of how many dates people miss out on because of it. But before I tell you the mistake, can you see it for yourself? Check out this snippet from a real dating profile:
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Online Backpage FL, USA, Miami
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why people are such jerks to each other. And are fish-lips photos the female equivalent of shirtless-man photos on this site?
Do you see what is this person is doing wrong?
The Problem Is You’re Making It All About YOU
First, in the example above, the guy implies that he thinks most people act like jerks, you included. Then, he harshly judges other users, presumably to make himself look better.
That profile is an example of a common problem: most people make their profiles all about themselves.
It’s all about me, me, me! And if they mention you, it’s only to explain that you shouldn’t be a jerk. Or scared of commitment. Or a player.
Making your profile all about you turns off potential matches in at least three ways.
First, “don’t contact me if” statements can be insulting to the reader. For example, saying “jerks need not apply”, makes a reader think, “You think I’m a jerk.”
Second, it can make you look self-absorbed. Check out how egotistical this woman sounds:
I’m looking for a man who will actually put some effort into dating. Don’t just send me a text asking me what I feel like doing on our date. Come up with a plan. I’m up for anything as long as it’s not illegal. Oh yeah, and instead of texting, try picking up the phone and calling! Texting is so cowardly.
The statements are all about exactly what she expects a guy to do, down to how he should contact her. Otherwise he’s “cowardly”.
Third, it can make you seem entitled, like this woman’s profile:
I’m wondering, with more than 1.4 million males in Chicago, where are all the real men? Hmm? Seriously, I’m just one bad date away from becoming a nun. Or a lesbian.
Ouch! Where are all the men in Chicago, she asks? I imagine they’re hiding from her…
When your profile is all about you, calls the reader a jerk, or makes you look self-absorbed and entitled, it’s only natural that people will get turned off and not contact you.
So if making your profile all about yourself hurts you, why do we do it?
The Real Reasons You’re Making It All About YOU
There are a couple of reasons why we make our profiles all about numero uno.
First, it’s human nature to be a little selfish. We naturally think about everything from our own perspective, not the other person’s perspective. And aren’t we supposed to be talking about ourselves on our profiles?
Second, we’re all trying to avoid painful experiences. The human brain is wired to avoid pain and danger. Many people view online dating as a last resort. They’re tired of the bar scene, but they feel online dating means they’ve somehow failed. They also probably haven’t had great dating experiences in the past. So exclusionary statements like “jerks need not apply” are meant to ward off more painful experiences and rejection. The only problem is that they also ward off potential matches!
Talk about working against yourself. So how do you avoid making it all about you?
How Making It About THEM Gets You More Dates
Imagine that a cute girl is browsing dating profiles. She sees your profile pic, and she thinks you’re kinda cute! Cute Girl clicks on your profile to read more. Score!
Only she’s not that into what you have to say. Cute Girl closes your profile in disgust.
You had a good thing going for a second there. So how do you avoid writing statements that turn off a potential Mr. or Mrs. Right?
Follow the Golden Rule: Write your profile with the other person in mind.
This has two major benefits. First, it starts building a relationship by showing the other person that you think that he or she is important, too.
We can see how this works by looking at how comedian Louis C.K. scored a date in the Louie episode “Daddy’s Girlfriend Part 1”. In the show, Louie’s love life is so pathetic that even his kids are giving him flak about it.
So he decides to shake things up and asks a cute bookstore clerk out on a date. In his long, rambling monologue, he tells her he fully expects to be rejected. But he shows empathy, too, recognizing that it must be difficult to be in her position:
I know that being a woman in New York must be hard because it’s basically maybe disappointing because you try to be nice to men as human beings, and then they respond by just torpedoing towards your vagina…
…[more rambling]…
Can you tell me now? Did this work?
She agrees to go out with him. His pitch wasn’t pretty, but he showed consideration for her position.
The second benefit is that writing your profile with the other person in mind makes people feel positive feelings about you. That means they’ll be more likely to contact you.
For example, if you’re thinking about the person reading your profile, you’re unlikely to write “jerks need not apply.” You’ll naturally cut the negative, insulting language.
Ready to rewrite your dating profile to make it all about them? Let’s look at how to do it!
How to Make Your Profile About Them (And Not Me, Me, Me!)
Do this exercise: when you’re done writing your profile, close your eyes for a minute. Pretend you’re a different person, open your eyes, and read each sentence of your profile as if it’s someone else’s profile.
Think about how each sentence makes you feel.
If it makes you feel good, you’re good to go! If it makes you feel bad, there are a few ways to inject some positive feelings:
- Instead of writing about what you DON’T want, write about what you DO want. For example, instead of writing, “don’t contact me if you’re a player”, you could write, “contact me if you’re looking for a committed relationship”.
- Think about the other person’s situation. Is this a woman who’s probably getting bombarded with messages? Is this a man who, like most men, have to send a ton of messages just to get one reply? Here’s a great example of how one woman showed empathy for men reading her profile:
I know guys don’t have it easy on this site, and I really feel for you. I’ve heard that most guys are lucky to get one response for every 10-20 messages you send. And if you’re writing each message specifically for each person, which I admit is what I’m looking for, that’s a lot of work. If you write me, I just want to say I appreciate it, even if I don’t reply to every message.
- Use humor to lighten things up. This can be a little tricky! You have to make sure it’s very obvious that you’re being playful. Here’s an example I liked:
The stuff in this profile – especially small things like music preferences – doesn’t really matter to me. What does matter is that we’re kind to one another, enjoy making each other laugh, and make a great team.
Unless you listen to Nickelback. They’re just horrible.
So, what do you think? Ready to test these techniques on your own dating profile? Let me know in the comments!
